So, the only thing that i can ever get through to you is annoyance. I know i push you in a certain way, and that's always because i want the best for you. I want you to know that while i want to be your friend, the only thing i can do is be angry at you. You've been hurt in a thousand ways, and yet you can't let go of the person that hurt you the most. I know i will stay out of it, but at the same time i can't help but to wonder why? I know we are all human. And weaknesses we all do have. But why exactly does someone like you, of all the people that i know, who claims his immortality have to be so weak for something that can be thrown away so easily. You had the chance, you changed for the best from the worst type of situation, however, you did the opposite and crawled back. If you knew the things that I knew, you would perhaps think of it differently, but i claim to be your friend. And so i will uphold this from you. It's as if you've been slapped in the face a hundred times and still you are willing to be knocked down several times more. Do you want to test yourself as a person? Because nobody can say you were less a man, or more a man after all. You determine who you are as a human being. You are the only one who can make you who you are. But then why do you want to define yourself as this? I don't understand you. There are many parts that i have pretty much locked down and understand most of you. But in other ways you are incomprehensible. I see you as a brother and i suppose that is a good thing but otherwise, I just see you stupid. It's like stockholm syndrome, why could you see the worst in someone and never let go of that bad. You see the bad in everyone else but one person. How does that make any sense to you? it's a world full of crazy people and people that control the crazy. I guess we're the two opposite sides to that pole. And do i really want to fight for you anymore? We fought for you and the only thing i got out of that was that you raged and then you cooled down and just went back to her. You always say that you're the most cynical person, however, sometimes i just feel like it's me. You bring out this side in me and it's for the worst really. I don't want to hate you in any way. The only thing i can do is to watch you and let you do your own mistakes. But at the same time. I saw you fall once, it was very far down. You went into the places that wouldn't help you. And i don't know if you want to lie to me, or if you just want to get off your back. The only thing i know is that you fell deeper than anyone else could. It's called a state of denial where you don't want any one you know or who love you to help you. Again, I don't know what to do with you. I don't want to treat you like a dog and command you to sit and stop and do not this... blah, blah, blah. But what else can i do to help you? I don't see it at all. You'd do exactly what i was doing right now. I mean i can tell you lots of things and i can ask of you certain things, but half of them you don't want to listen to because we're the same person with the same amount of stubbornness which is almost painful to witness but we are. This is how we get things out in life. But.... But, but but but. it's the only word that comes to mind when i think about it. You know it'd never ask you to change but you did it yourself. Do you want to be Miguel from 3i? Do you want to be Miguel from 2i? I didn't even know you in Pre-IB, but as what i've learned and what you've told me, do you really want to go back to that? argh. 

surreal.

it's that feeling when you stay still in time and everything moves in a fast motion.
your mind and body stays behind, but your eyes capture every image,
of every second of the time being. i don't know whether it's because
i have become numb to everything in the world, or that everything
that i witness i don't want to accept. it's not because i don't want
to be here in the present, it's just that i feel like the world is caving
in on me and i don't want to move past this point in my life. it's
the feeling that everything is comfortable. It's safe. It's home.

i don't want to have complete responsibilities yet.
i don't want to grow up. yes i'm looking forward
to many things in the upcoming future, but the
idea is better than reality. Reality is when you actually
start moving into the new apartment, you start uni and
then you make means by doing things yourself, you clean
you cook, you shop, you work to get by. But when it
all comes down to it, it because routine. it becomes
a habit. something that you can't come out of it. you
start this thing that everybody calls life. it's being in caged
into the boundaries that society has made for you and
it's when risk is no longer heard of. I don't want to go
through that yet. I want freedom, something that every
kid has imagined and lived but it doesn't stay with them
throughout their whole lives.

so, what is our deepest fears?
 
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-- Marianne Williamson